a rush, a pause

things have been overwhelming ever since getting into wharton. the first was the realization that until now, all my plans had that one goal in sight, getting into school. well, getting into school, but eschewing traditional routes given the belief that if i leave the door open for God, He'd find a way to bring me where he wants me to go. i'd never have gotten here by myself.

overwhelming things currently facing:
putting deposit down on apartment in unfamiliar city- no money
putting deposit down on school of my dreams- no money
friend's bachelorette party, for which i'm a bridesmaid- no money
paying rent this month- late, and just enough money

after much waiting, i finally got columbia's reply today: reject. seeing how columbia has many shades of 'reject', i have gotten the most definite NO. for this, today i give praise. really, i do. i am constantly reminded that unlike others, who have worked hard to get to this stage, i have only followed the path set before me. it reminds me that it was never my work that got me to wharton, and confirms to me it is exactly where He wants me to be.

for a good long time i've struggled with a certain internal pride that demands recognition and praise for my accomplishments, even as the softer spirit inside whispers: the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. i am thankful, though a little embarassed, to have been rejected/ waitlisted by every other top school i applied to. i fear another acceptance would inflate my head, and these experiences are reminders to walk humbly with God.

in the same line, i am also comforted that as much as this confirms God's will for my future, i can rest assured that He will provide financially, as He ever has. the negotiator/ planner in me rationalizes that i MUST put down a deposit on that 6th floor studio, though i haven't the cash to back my deposit, and it's not really what i'm looking for, because what if i miss out? why am i picky? what if i don't get into the same place at the great location my new friends are at? and what makes me think that God will provide the best for me?

but i really do think that God will provide, and that his provisions are better than the fool's gold i grasp at in anxiety that i will be left behind. and such thinking makes me feel as if... i've finally gotten somewhere in my faith. not much- money has never really been on my radar of things to be concerned about. but it puts the planner part of my nature at peace. i must trust He will bring people i can care and rely on at school into my life. and i must will myself to make the most of the opportunities He's given, for there's much to be learned, and attending a top 3 school is a privilege i must not waste.

you may think that my assessment is right or wrong. but i think at the end of the day, He see's where our hearts are. if our hearts are in the right place, He will not fail- even if we misread His intentions. although i think by the time school rolls around, i must remember i'm now graduating to a different level of faith, one where intentions are measured simultaneously with actions and results. i hope the other two will flow from the first, i still think where your heart is, there your treasure is as well.